Joke Thread...

[playaperro]

Llegan un hindu, un judio y un chilango a un hotel y
piden un cuarto para tres.
El encargado les dice:

Solo me queda un cuarto, pero es para dos, pero si no
les incomoda tengo
espacio en el establo para uno se duerma ahi.

Los tres individuos deciden tomar el cuarto y en eso dice
el hindu:

"Si quieren, yo me voy a dormir al establo y ustedes
duermen en el cuarto."

A los cinco
minutos tocan a la puerta del cuarto:


"Quien es?"

"Soy el hindu, lo que pasa es que en el establo hay
una vaca y como es un animal sagrado para
nosotros, no puedo dormir donde duerme una vaca.

" En eso el judio dice:" No se preocupen,si
quieren,yo me duermo en el establo.


" A los cinco minutos tocan a la puerta del cuarto:

"Quien es?"

"Soy el judio, lo que pasa es que en el establo hay un
cerdo
y es un animal desagradable para nosotros,
no puedo dormir donde duerme un cerdo.


" En eso el chilango dice:

"No se preocupen, yo me ire a dormir al
establo."

A los cinco minutos tocan a la puerta:

" Quien es?"


"Somos la vaca y el
cerdo,

NO
MAMEN."

[La Huerita]

Show off. :mrgreen:

[bahiatrader]

Besides that it's kind of a dumb joke. Cows and pigs don't speak Spanish, nor are they afflicted with prejudices like we humans. Ha, ha, ha.

[playaperro]

What about Ed the talking horse, don't tell me he didn't talk either.:lol::lol::lol:

[bahiatrader]

En Ingles!

[playaperro]

What's your problem you joyless Redneck?

[Mentiras y Traición]

They arrive a Hindu, a Jew and chilango to a hotel and they request a quarter for three. The one in charge says to them: I only have left a quarter, but she is for two, but she does not inconvenience to them I have space in the stable for one falls asleep there. The three individuals decide to take the quarter and in that it says the Hindu: " If they want, I am going away to sleep to the stable and you sleep in cuarto." To the five minutes touch to the door of the quarter: " Who is? " " I am the Hindu, which happens is that in the stable there is a cow and as is a sacred animal stops we, cannot sleep where to duer a cow. " In that the Jew says: " They do not worry, if they want, I I fall asleep in the stable. " To the five minutes they touch to the door of the quarter: " Who is? " " I am the Jew, which happens is that in the stable there is a pig and it is a disagreeable animal for us, I cannot sleep where to duer a pig. " In that chilango says: " They do not worry, I ire to fall asleep to establo." To the five minutes they touch to the door: " Who is? " " We are the cow and pig, NO MAMEN."

[Mentiras y Traición]

I still don't get it...

[Ladyjeeper]

I speak and read Spanish and I don't get it.

[Kenny]

The pig and the cow don't want to sleep with the Mexican... Gee:roll:, how did I know that a joke thread just might not be such a good idea:idea:

[Jim]

Lady, I agree. I guess that I get it but naaaa. I don't mean to start any troubles here but a better recent joke is: When Farrah got to the pearly gates God asked her if there was anything he could do for her here on earth. She said "just protect the children"... So God took Michael Jackson. sorry sorry sorry. I know that I will pay for that one.

[bahiatrader]

In Waukegan Illinois the third person would be Polish, in Nome, Alaska, Eskimo, in Lake County, Oregon, Irish... and on and on. The humor of it escapes me also. It's a sociological concept. Maybe something is lost in translation.
Wow! That is kind of sick, Jim.

[Ladyjeeper]

The last 2 words, no mamen, translate to something that makes NO sense in this joke. It's kind of vulgar and I can't connect it with this joke. Somebody PM me with the answer.

[Ladyjeeper]

And Jim, Michael Jackson was a good talent but a tortured and miserable person. I can't imagine having 500 million in debt, I was horrified at 43 thousand. And anyone that molests a child.......If that's true, it probably is, he is better off dead. A loss for music but protection for children..... I'm off to fight my battle with the State dept. Wish me luck!

[Jim]

I know. I heard it in the bar today and could not help passing it on. NO mal intent. Next time I will restrain myself.

[GringoZona]

Hey Jim, anything special going on Thur/Fri night at the CTC, before the town dries up, so to speak? I visited the bar at like 2am the Monday night (Tue morn) after the Circus Mexicus show this month but you had left hours earlier. Or were resting up from the big weekend.

[dmcauley]

'nough said

[HAPPY]

Jim, ~~~ You will ~~~ BURN ~~~ for that one, ~~~ BURN baby BURN, ~~~ Hell even Sally doesn't get that heavy, ~~~ BURN baby BURN, ~~~ :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Roberto]

A lawyer dies and he goes to Heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter along with others who died at the same time, one of whom was a Catholic Pope. St. Peter welcomes them to heaven and they all get on a bus that will take them to a house where they will stay in Heaven. The bus stops at a small modest home and St. Peter tells the Pope that he will be staying in that house. They continue and stop at a grand mansion and St. Pete tells the lawyer that it was where he would be staying. The lawyer says " There must be some mistake, the Pope got a much smaller home than me, I don't understand. St. Pete says "Well, we have every Pope that ever lived here in Heaven but you are the only LAWYER.

[La Huerita]

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

[Mentiras y Traición]

Horse walks in to the Camel Toe. Jim says, Hey, why the long face?

[bahiatrader]

As long as we're being silly, this is one of my favorites:
A lady goes into a pet store, and finds a parrot she'd like to buy.
The owner of the pet store says, "I'd really like to sell you this parrot ma'am. He's beautiful, but he cusses a lot.
The lady tells the storekeeper that it wouldn't be a problem.
Sure enough, when they get home, the parrot starts cussing up a storm.
She puts parrot in the freezer for 15 minutes and takes him out Being a tropical bird, the parrot is shivering and seemingly near death. When ask if he'll ever cuss in her house again, the parrot says, "No, no. I'll never cuss again. That was horrible!
If I got 15 minutes for cussing, what did that chicken do?":-P

[mexicoruss]

OK OK I apologize prior to you reading these.


What are 4 Mexican men in the quick sand called? Cuatro Sinko!

We never hear of Nationals trying to go into the states illegally 3 at a time - Why Not? The sign on the fence clearly say "No Tres Passing"

[Jim]

Oh? And you think mine was bad??? ;)

[PitiquitoRosy]

All of these are groaners. I wish we could just go back to foul language and skip the bad jokes. Geez...

By the way, add me to the list of folks who've had a great time hanging out with Jim at the CT CANTINA! Thanks, Jim...it was fun.

P.S. Today is Jim's birthday, y'all...

[azbeachboy]

http://i611.photobucket.com/albums/tt196/Alterucio/happy.jpg

[Mentiras y Traición]

I thought it was a nice diversion from reality...
By the way, what do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

[mexicoruss]

2 cannibals sitting at the dinner table eating a clown they had just "harvested". The one cannibal looks at the other and asks "does this taste funny to you?"






Ok guys that was gross but you have to admit it was funny the first time you heard it.......

[Seadweller]

I used to drive a truck back in Illinois and one day I was out on a run that went through some farm country, when I got that uncontrollable feeling you get after eating at a greasy spoon...

I came upon a farmhouse and imediately pulled the rig to the side of the road, ran up to the house knocked on the door and explained my situation, and asked to use their bathroom.

The farmer said sure but we use an outhouse around back and grampa is in it now... but it's a two seater so if your not bashful go ahead grampa won't mind...

So in my dire situation I said no problem... and went to join ol'gramps... we exchanged Howdys and I went on to my business... gramps was just standing up off the seat next to me when a quarter a dime and 2 pennies fell out of his pocket and down into the depths of the outhouse...

Gramps pulled up his bib-overalls and reached into the back pocket pulled a $20 from his wallet and tossed it down the hole in the seat next to me...

I looked at him and asked why he did that? and gramps replied... you didn't expect me to go down there for a measly 37 cents did ya? :-o

[m4shawn]

A muffin is seated next to another muffin in an oven as they begin to bake. He says to the the other one: "Whew, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?"
The other muffun says: "Holy <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP>! A talking muffin!!"

[azbeachboy]

Women are Evil

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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[Seadweller]

another crapper joke... :lol: your mind is in the crapper too

[playaperro]

Hillbillie smart

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 rubbers in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker

[playaperro]

¿Verdad,gordo?


Una pareja de esposos estaba cenando en un restaurante, cuando observaron que entró un amigo de ambos acompañado de una desconocida.
La señora le comentó a su esposo:
Ese que entró es Juan, pero esa no es su esposa.
No, es una amante que él tiene, dijo el hombre calmadamente. La mujer comenzó a criticar la actuación de su amigo, y el esposo la paró en seco diciéndole: No te metas en esos asuntos, deja que los otros vivan su vida.
Los esposos siguen cenando, cuando se acerca a ellos una chica guapísima que le dice al marido:
Oye, me dejaste esperando ayer.
Sí, se me presentó un problema. Pero yo paso por tu casa hoy.
OK., nos vemos, dice la chica retirándose de la mesa ante el asombro de la esposa, quien le preguntó en seguida a su marido:
Y ESA: ¿QUIEN ES...?
Esa es mi amante, le aclaró el hombre. La mujer se puso como el diablo, y comenzó a decirle improperios al marido, pidiéndole hasta el divorcio. No hay problema, te doy el divorcio. Pero recuerda que nuestro contrato matrimonial es por 'separación de bienes' y que la casa, el auto y el negocio están a mi nombre.
También vete olvidando de las vacaciones cada tres meses a las mejores playas y al extranjero, ah!! y de tus tarjetas de crédito, el pago de todos los servicios de la casa, tu ropa de marca, zapatos, tus Spa's , el
terapeuta, las compras en N.Y., la casa de playa,tu BMW, el chofer y la pensión de tu mamá...
La mujer se calla y luego de analizar la situación, le dice al esposo:



La amante de nosotros es más bonita que la de Juan, ¿verdad gordo?

[azbeachboy]

BBQ RULES

July 4th is the day of the BBQ. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. Another beer should be included.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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[azbeachboy]

The difference between authority and power

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[beachgirl]

An elderly couple stop in at the CT and have a seat. Jim, the bartender, asks them if they'd like a beer. The old man nods and Jim goes to retrieve the beers. The old lady is hard of hearing, so she leans over to the old man and says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted a beer". "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the beers and asks if they'd like some chips and salsa. The old man nods, Jim goes for the chips and salsa and the old lady says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted some chips and salsa. "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the chips and salsa and asks where they're from. The old man replies "Arizona". "I had the worst piece of ass ever when I was in Arizona" says Jim and off he goes. The old lady leans in and says "what'd he say?" "Says he thinks he know's ya"!:grin:

This joke actually has the couple stopping at a gas station and dealing with the attendant-- fillin' er up, checkin' under the hood, and then noticing their out of state license plate but I thought I'd kick it up a bit and have some fun with Jim!

[bahiatrader]

ANOTHER PARROT STORY:
RECYCLED PARROT..

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
To live in a house of Prostitution & sometimes
It says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home & hung the bird's cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned
From school the bird saw & said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls & the woman were a bit offended,
But then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.

The bird looked at him & said,

'Hi Keith'

[Mentiras y Traición]

And then there was roast parrot for dinner...

[Roberto]

Old couple goes to the Doc for a check up. Doc looks at the man and asks for a urine, stool and sperm sample. Old man says to wife "What did he want?" She says "Give him your underwear"

[playaperro]

MUJERES TREMENDAS
Va saliendo un individuo a su trabajo y su mujer revisando que no le dejo dinero le grita:


¡Oye, cabrón, no me dejaste dinero!
Desde arriba del carro el marido le grita:
¡Ahí coges!
¡¿Y cuanto cobro?!
¡¡Del cajón, no te hagas pendeja hija de tu chingada madre!!


VIOLADORES
Dos Delincuentes asaltan un Convento y deciden violar a las religiosas, se violan a todas las monjas.
En pleno acto exclama una:
¡Dios Mío....perdónalos, ya que no saben lo que hacen.
Y le gritó la otra: ¡Será el tuyo, pendeja, porque el mío es un experto!!!

CUESTION DE ÍNTERESES
George W. Bush y Tony Blair estan en una cena en la Casa Blanca. Un invitado se acerca a ellos y les pregunta: ¿Que están hablando de forma tan animada?
Estamos haciendo planes para la Tercera Guerra Mundial', dice Bush. '!Guau!', dice el invitado. ¿Y, cuales son esos planes? 'Vamos a matar 14 millones de musulmanes y 1 dentista', contesta Bush.
El invitado parece confundido. 'Un.... dentista?', dice 'Por que van a matar un dentista?' Blair le da una palmada en la espalda a Bush y dice: ¿Que te dije? Nadie va a preguntar por los musulmanes


LA PARRANDA
Le llama la esposa al esposo que no ha llegado porque está de parranda.
Contesta el Esposo: Bueno ¿Dónde andas, Viejo ?
Con unas pinches viejas..... y que!
¿Ah, sí? Pues yo estoy con un cabrón!
Vieja, yo estoy con unas viejas amistades, no pienses mal!
Y yo con un cabrón pendiente de que te vaya a pasar algo tan noche, Viejito!

EL CANELO NO TIENE LA CULPA
Llega a su casa un hombre que por la mañana había discutido con su esposa. Se desviste y se mete a la cama. Levanta la sábana y observa el cuerpo de su esposa, al mismo tiempo siente que inicia una erección.
Inmediatamente se agarra el instrumento con la mano y dice: Quieto Canelo, que la Doña esta encabronada!! A lo que ella contesta: Estoy encabronada contigo! ¡¡El Canelo no me ha hecho nada!!


EL RELOJ
Un tipo se va con los amigotes de copas...El hombre le promete a la mujer que estará de regreso antes de la medianoche, pero como suele pasar, la fiesta se extiende, y termina entrando por la puerta de su casa a las 3 de la mañana.
Justo en ese momento, el reloj da 3 campanadas, y el cuate temiendo que su mujer se despierte, imita las campanadas 'Dang, Dang...' 9 veces más para que piense que son las 12 de la madrugada...
A la mañana siguiente, la mujer le hace la pregunta de rigor: ¿'A que hora llegaste anoche?' (como si no supieran)...'A medianoche, mi amor... '(hazte güey que la cara te ayuda).
'Oye Pepe, creo que vamos a tener que comprar otro reloj.' 'A chingao'... ¿otro reloj? ¿Pos que este ya no te gustó, o que?
'Si... lo que pasa es que debe estar roto, descompuesto, no sé...” Pero si da la hora a toda madre. '¡Si... a toda madre!!! 'Anoche dio 3 campanadas, hizo una pausa, dio otras 4 campanadas, se puso a vomitar, dio 3 campanadas más, se tiró un pedo, dio las 2 ultimas y se cagó de risa... '


DE VIEJITOS
Están dos viejecitos de 80 años que van a hacer el amor, y le dice él a ella:
Paquita, ¿dónde quieres que lo hagamos hoy?
En el suelo. ¿En el suelo?, ¿Por qué?
¡Para sentir algo duro!


INDITOS
Estaban dos inditos, Lupita y luis en el pum pum que rico ..En eso, le dice Lupita a luis: ' Ay luis, me abrumaas... '
Luis.- ' Y ahora tú?, ¿di dóndi sacas tantas pinches palabras tan elegantis? '
Lupita.- ' No sias pindejo, que si me abru más...?!!


Se muere EL PEJE y lo velan.
>> A los costados del féretro hay unos perredistas
>> inmutables.
>> Entra una viejita con una bolsa llena de comida y
>> empieza a poner dentro del ataúd, zanahorias,
>> tomates, lechuga…ante la mirada sorprendida de los
>> pejistas.
>> Mientras la anciana continuaba colocando alimentos,
>> uno de los militantes le dice:
>> 'Señora, por favor, ¿que está Ud. haciendo?'
>> La anciana, mientras continúa poniendo comida,
>> le responde:
>> '¿Qué quiere... que los pobres gusanos coman mierda
>> solamente?'
>>
>> *ESTOY SEGURO DE QUE LE DARAS LA DIFUSION
>> QUE SE MERECE.. SE **RUEGA, POR HUMANIDAD, NO ROMPER
>> LA CADENA

[rockyptjoe]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous,
always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He
was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary
life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The
evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was
a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother
passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me,
but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your
brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He
has been sent elsewhere."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and
wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze
into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long
he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I
have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful
woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in
it. The blonde doesn't."

[azbeachboy]

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

HOW CLEVER IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.. It's pre-programmed in your brain!


1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are a nutcase!.......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.


Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.

[azbeachboy]

Ordering a pizza in 2012





This is absolutely hilarious, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality, providing Obama has his way with socialized medicine, and digitizing medical records.




Want to know how to order a pizza in 2012? Click the link and see.


Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!




www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf (http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf)
__________________

[playaperro]

¿QUÉ TANTO SABES , SOBRE LA VASECTOMÍA?

1.- La vasectomía hace lucir más grandes tus testículos..
¿cierto o falso?
R.- Falso, sólo crees que tienes unos huevotes porque te atreviste, pero es cierto también que al día siguiente sientes que te llegan a las rodillas.

2.- Una vez terminada la operación, sales caminando, ¿cierto o falso?
R.- Cierto, sales caminando, pero llegas a casa gateando cuando pasa la anestesia, porque te duele hasta el culo.

3.- La vasectomía es una operación sin dolor, ¿cierto o falso?
R.-Cierto, la operación no duele, pero la anestesia que te inyectan directo en los huevos es una mentada de madre.

4.- La vasectomía te hace ver mas joven, ¿Cierto o falso?
R.- Cierto, después de que te rasuraron bien las bolas, te verás como lucias en primero de secundaria.

5.- La vasectomía se realiza con una pequeña incisión en los testículos, ¿Cierto o falso?
R.- Falso, se hace en un punto que los estudiosos conocen como 'nies', porque nies un huevo, nies el otro, nies la pistola, nies nada.

6.- Después de la vasectomía, el miembro podría decirse que adquiere básicamente un aspecto similar a Barney, ¿cierto o falso?
R.- Cierto, la cabecita se queda morada.

7.- El costo de la cirugía es muy bajo, ¿cierto o falso?
R.- Falso, a pesar de que es una cirugía gratuita, en realidad te cuesta un huevo.

8.- Después de la cirugía te dicen 'Sacarina', ¿cierto o falso?
R.- Cierto, porque endulzas pero no engordas.

9.- Después de la vasectomía, el hombre es más propenso a los infartos, ¿Cierto o falso?
R.- Cierto, imagínate que tu esposa sale embarazada!! !.--.

Saludos, y… cuiden mucho a sus huevitos.

[Roberto]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other..And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me off fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP>.

[Kenny]

a tough old cowboy from south texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[JimMcG]

Roberto, I am shocked! Shocked I say! :eek::???::confused::oops:

[azbeachboy]

COWS, THE CONSTITUTION< THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Sad...but true!!!


COWS, THE CONSTITUTION, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments



COWS



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the

mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow,

born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where

she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her

calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million

illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should

give each of them a cow.



THE CONSTITUTION



They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why

don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really

smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not

using it anymore.



THE 10 COMMANDMENTS



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments

posted in a courthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post

'Thou Shalt Not Steal'

'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a

building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a

hostile work environment.

[Roberto]

Roberto, I am shocked! Shocked I say! :eek::???::confused::oops:


I didn't say I agreed with it Jim

[playaperro]

To all my Chronologically Challenged Friends…….













Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. This one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'






'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[Kenny]

I had to act fast, before I forgot what I was doing.
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc23/grouper01/CATINTHEHAT.jpg

[Roberto]

Two Pennsylvania Dutch guys were walking across a field and came across a human head. One picked up the head by the hair and held it up at arms length so he could see the face and exclaimed " By Got it's Ernie Werner' to which the second replied "Naw he vasant that tall".

Ernie Verner was in the hospital and he had to used that bathroom so he rang the nurse and called out loudly. "This is Ernie Werner in room 202 and I have to take a <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP>", the nurse hustled into the room and told Ernie " When you have to go, ring us and just say Number Two." Later Ernie got a new room mate and after a bit his room made said 'I have to <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP> , what do I do" ernie says "I know and rings the nurse to report that Bert Johnson has to <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP> but he don't have a number"

[Kenny]

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?""Bicycles!"

[playaperro]

DESEO SEXUAL







Nunca había entendido porqué las necesidades sexuales de los hombres y las mujeres son tan diferentes entre si...

Nunca había entendido todas esas idioteces de que las mujeres son de Venus y los hombres de Marte.

Y nunca había entendido porqué los hombres piensan con la cabeza y las mujeres con el corazón.




Pero....... Una noche, mi esposa y yo nos fuimos a la cama.
Y bueno, empezamos a acariciarnos, el inevitable agarre de chichis, el trasero, etc.

La cuestión era que ya estaba listo y en ese momento, me dice:
'Ahorita no tengo ganas mi amor, y tan sólo quiero que me abraces!' y me lo dice con una cara de cínica... ¡Yo dije!:

¿¿¿¿¿¿¿QUEEEEEEEE????????

Entonces me dijo las palabras mágicas de toda mujer:

'No sabes conectarte con mis necesidades emocionales como mujer'.

¡NO JJOODDAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS!

Al final, el asunto era que esa noche no iba a haber pelea, guarde los aceites afrodisíacos, apagué las velas, quité el CD de Alejandro Sanz, (en ese momento casi siempre funciona), apagué el equipo de sonido, guardé las de Grand Duval y demás.
Me eché un regaderazo con agua helada a ver si podía calmar a la `bestia´ y me puse a ver 'Discovery', a todo volumen para no dejar dormir a la hija de.... mi suegra...

Después de un rato me quedé dormido.....

Al día siguiente fuimos de compras al Supermaxi, entramos a una tienda, me fui a ver relojes mientras ella se probaba tres modelitos carísimos marca 'Liverpool'.

Como mujer al fin no podía decidirse por uno u otro, le dije que se llevara los tres.

Entonces me dijo que necesitaba unos zapatos que le hicieran juego! a $800.00 el par, le contesté que me parecía bien.

Luego fuimos a la sección de ropa sport, de donde salimos con unas chamarras con plumas y una Bolsa Luis Vuiton o alguna huevada de esas.

¡Estaba tan emocionada!

Yo creo que pensaba que me había vuelto loco, pero de todas maneras las traía.

Pienso que me estaba poniendo a prueba cuando me pidió una faldita muy corta disque para jugar tenis, si no sabe ni correr, mucho menos jugar tenis.

Entró en 'shock' cuando le dije cómprate todo lo que quieras.
Ella estaba casi excitada sexualmente después de todo esto; entonces dijo la palabra mágica de toda mujer:
Ven papito lindo, mi 'flaquito hermoso' (y otras pendejadas que dicen las mujeres), vamos a la caja a pagar.

Fue aquí cuando, de repente faltando solo una persona para pagar le dije:


'No mi amor, creo que ahorita no tengo ganas de comprar todoesto'...

De verdad, ojalá le hubieran visto la cara, se quedó pálida cuando le dije:

'Tan solo quiero que me abraces'.

Empezó a poner cara de que se iba a desmayar, se le paralizó la parte izquierda del cuerpo, le dio un tic nervioso en el ojo derecho y le dije:

'No sabes conectarte con mis necesidades financieras como hombre'.



*Mándenselos a todos los hombres pa ke se caguen de la risa

*Mándenselos a las mujeres para que vean lo que se siente.









--

[playaperro]

GAYS DE COLORES

Un camionero va por la carretera
y a lo lejos ve un hombre vestido entero de rojo,
el camionero se va acercando hacia él
y este que no se quita,
le echa las luces y nada, el tipo ni se mueve,
así que el camionero pega un frenon
y se queda a un metro del hombre,
baja del camión y el hombre de rojo le dice:

-Soy el homosexual de rojo,
¿Te gustaría darme un beso?

El camionero se le queda mirando y le dice:
- Pero ¿eres pendejo o qué?
¿No ves que casi te atropello?.

El camionero sube al camión y sigue por la misma ruta,
cuando a lo lejos vuelve a ver a otro hombre vestido totalmente de morado
y también parado en medio de la carretera.
Otra vez empieza a echar las luces, y este tampoco se quita.
El camionero vuelve a frenar bruscamente,
baja del camión y el hombre de morado le dice:

- Soy el gay violeta ¿Te gustaría hacerme tuyo?

El camionero le dice: -Pero ¿será posible con los pinches maricones?
¿No ves que casi te atropello?
¿Eres pendejo o qué? Quítate de aquí.

El camionero, una vez más sube al camión y sigue su camino,
cuando a lo lejos vuelve a ver otro hombre, ahora de azul.
Y otra vez las luces y nada, no se quita,
pega una nueva frenada, se queda a medio
metro del tipo, baja del camión mas emputado y le
dice:

-¡A ver, <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP> putito de azul! ¿Y tu Qué chingados quieres?

Y el tipo contesta:

-!!!Para empezar, tu licencia, tu tarjeta y tu seguro, hijo de tu puta madre, mas respeto para la Policia Federal de Caminos cabrón!!!

[playaperro]

La mujer le dice al marido:
'Querido, esta noche tuve un sueño increíble. Estábamos haciendo el amor y al lado de la cama, estaba un negro abanicándonos y eso me hacia gozar mucho.'

Los dos deciden poner en práctica el sueño y en un semáforo encuentran a un nombre negro al que le ofrecen $100 (USD) si acepta abanicarlos mientras ellos practican sexo el tipo acepta y los tres van a la casa.
Los dos cónyuges empiezan a hacer el amor mientras el negro abanica como un perfecto esclavo africano, pero no da ningún resultado.

La mujer entonces le dice al marido:

'A lo mejor funciona si invertimos los papeles... abanicas tu y él viene a la cama.'
El marido, dudoso, acepta. El negro se mete en la cama, y el marido empieza a abanicar, poco después la mujer goza como loca y grita de placer con el negro. Cuando ve que la mujer llega al orgasmo y pide más, el marido mira al negro y le dice:

'¿Aprendiste como hay que abanicar, negro pendejo?


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[playaperro]

Analogy
There's an old seaman's story about a ship's Captain who inspected his
sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson's Mate that his men smelled
bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would
occasionally change the ir underwear.



The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"



The Chief went straight to the sailor's berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.



"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski;
and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"



THE MORAL:



Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington ; but don't count on
things smelling any better!

[rockyptjoe]

*Kentucky Dating....*
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees
a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he
sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,
at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in
11 minutes and 28 seconds..'*

[rockyptjoe]

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved
3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with
the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie
aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy." Another outburst, and she
hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and
we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as
his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little
bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the **** out of him when I get
him home.

[rockyptjoe]

THE COWBOY
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s--- out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago….....'

[azbeachboy]

"Cash for Codgers"









JUST IN ... J

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, those with excessive gas, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Remember you heard it here first...

[playaperro]

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex-right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails

Live, laugh, and enjoy. You never know when it will end.

[Kenny]

Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."

[Seadweller]

The other day I went to order a pizza and asked how many slices are there in a large pizza?

The pizza dude :chef: said that they cut the large pizza into 16 slices...

I then asked if he could cut mine into 8 slices because I was trying to lose weight and didn't think I could eat all 16 slices..

[rockyptjoe]

Maid wants a raise
Our maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her
about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than
you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than
you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[Seadweller]

Joe is that why I'm no longer your gardener?

[Kenny]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much
**** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The
government has always prided itself in the amount of
**** it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your local Congressman.
They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

[rockyptjoe]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much
**** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The
government has always prided itself in the amount of
**** it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your local Congressman.
They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.



Kenny, I couldn't resist highlighting some of the letters towards the end for some of our forum members that have trouble reading or comprehending! :twisted::twisted::grin:

[InkaRoads]

No matter how you look at it, feces will be feces!!! :eek3:

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more
or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied, "I will, if those arssholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the furckin' sheet rock..."

[Roberto]

Working people frequently ask retired people


what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'







He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.


I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Bush sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[azbeachboy]

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of:




Barack Obama
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA1.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



Joe Biden
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA2.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



Harry Reid
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA3.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



Nancy Pelosi
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA4.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



Tim Geithner
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA5.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



Rahm Emmanuel
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA26949713-0006 alt="" hspace=0 border=0> XHEIGHT="196" ID="6" SRC="aoladp://MA26949713-0006/file004.jpg">



Chris Dodd
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA6.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



and Barney Frank!
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA7.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



If that doesn't scare the **** out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.

[Mentiras y Traición]

Guess who this reminds me of!

CREATION - 
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

 


[Mentiras y Traición]

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of:




Barack Obama
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA1.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Joe Biden
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA2.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Harry Reid
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA3.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Nancy Pelosi
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA4.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Tim Geithner
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA5.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Rahm Emmanuel
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA26949713-0006 alt="" hspace=0 border=0> XHEIGHT="196" ID="6" SRC="aoladp://MA26949713-0006/file004.jpg">


Chris Dodd
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA6.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


and Barney Frank!
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA7.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>



If that doesn't scare the **** out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.






A must for the bathroom library!

[rockyptjoe]

Does anybody see the atached photos?

[Ladyjeeper]

All I see is text.

[Roberto]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, ' You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...........You got nice house.'

[JimMcG]

A must for the bathroom library!

What else can you expect?

[rockyptjoe]

The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman
carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her
free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S...'

[Ladyjeeper]

Snicker!

[JimMcG]

Good one!

[playaperro]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his




company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the
Drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
Even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
Wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the
First thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass
Of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
Rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
All clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
That it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
Rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
Sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
Mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
Written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
His wife in lipstick:





Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
Groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
Breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A..M., drunk and out of
Your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
You ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in
Such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
Breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'





His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the
Bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
Screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!'









Broken Coffee Table $239.

Hot Breakfast $4.

Two Aspirins $1.59

Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

[playaperro]

MUY BUENO, A MI ME PASA












Me diagnosticaron S.A.D.A.E. (Síndrome de Atención Deficiente Activado por la Edad )
Se manifiesta así:

Decido lavar el auto

Al ir a la cochera, veo que hay correo en la mesita de la entrada.



Reviso las cartas antes de lavar el auto;
Dejo las llaves del auto en la mesita, voy a tirar los sobres vacíos y las propagandas en el bote de basura y me doy cuenta que está lleno
.- Decido dejar las cartas (entre las que hay una factura) en la mesita y sacar la bolsa de basura
.- Entonces pienso que, ya que voy afuera, puedo pagar la factura con un cheque y echarlo en el buzón que está a 10 metros de la puerta
.- Saco del bolsillo la chequera y veo que queda un solo cheque en blanco
.- Voy al escritorio a buscar otra chequera y encuentro sobre la mesa la Coca Cola que me estaba tomando y se me había quedado olvidada
.- Saco la lata para que no se vaya a derramar sobre los papeles y me doy cuenta que se está calentando, por lo que decido llevarla al refrigerador
-. Al ir hacia la cocina, me fijo que el jarrón de flores de la cómoda de la entrada está sin agua
.- Dejo la Coca Cola sobre la cómoda y descubro los anteojos de cerca que estuve buscando toda la mañana
.- Decido llevarlos a mi escritorio y, después, poner agua a las flores.
Llevo los anteojos al escritorio, lleno una jarra de agua en la cocina y, de repente, veo el control remoto del televisor
.- Alguien lo olvidó en la mesa de la cocina (Creo que fui yo)... Me acuerdo que anoche lo estuvimos buscando como locos...
Decido llevarlo al cuarto de la Tele , donde debe estar, en cuanto ponga el agua a las flores
.- Hecho un poquito de agua a las flores y la mayor parte se me derrama por el suelo; por lo tanto vuelvo a la cocina, dejo el control remoto sobre la mesa y agarro unos pinches trapos para secar el agua
.- Voy hacia el hall tratando de acordarme qué caray es lo que quería hacer con estos &%$ trapos hediondos...
Al final de la tarde...
El auto sigue sin lavar, no pagué la factura, el bote de basura está lleno, hay una lata de Coca Cola caliente en la cómoda, las flores siguen sin agua, sigue habiendo un solo cheque en blanco en mi chequera, no encuentro el méndigo control remoto de la tele ni mis anteojos de cerca, hay una fea mancha en el parquet de la entrada y no tengo ni la remota idea de dónde están las llaves del coche.-
Me quedo pensando cómo puede ser que, sin haber hecho nada en toda la méndiga tarde, haya estado todo el tiempo en chinga y esté tan cansado.

Hazme un favor: envía este mensaje a todos los que conozcas, porque no me acuerdo bien a quién carajos se lo mandé.....

Y no te rías, porque si aún no te pasa lo mismo,

¡No tardas!

[azbeachboy]

Another Obama Joke
Guy goes into a bar, theres a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats
your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors..
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ
?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people
still happy you voted for Obama

[Terry C]

Letter to Grandma
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers, to his horror, that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle..... it makes your nose look too SHORT."

Love, Grandma

[Ladyjeeper]

Snicker!:wink:

[azbeachboy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0)

[playaperro]

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME ***
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.." _____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
**********

[azbeachboy]

LIFE OF A POTATO




Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,



which they Called 'Yam.'




Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out



And



Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,



and get a bad Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up



with a bunch of Tater Tots



Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny


like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam


To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries.


And when she went out West, To watch out for the Indians


so she wouldn't get scalloped.



Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or


the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their


trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'



Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
Be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
Marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just.......

A COMMONTATER

[Roberto]

SEVEN KINDS OF SEXResults of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you..'The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[playaperro]

Lighten up - two years ago we were hearing stuff like this about Bush - whoever has the job is going to
be fodder for joke writers - goes with the territory.

Some Fine Obama Jokes...


- Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

- Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

- Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

- Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

- Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.


- Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

- Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

- Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.

- Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!!

- Barack Obama: He has what it takes, to take what you've got!

- Barack Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes we can" has become, "Yes you will!"

- No one wants to see GM’s new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!

- The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. Would...25 to life be appropriate:pinkie::lol::fish::chef:

[playaperro]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable .:pinkie::lol::fish::chef:

[Stuart]

So... I had some problems with the steering on my boat. I took it into the shop to see what was wrong. The mechanic comes over to me and says "It looks like you've blown a seal." And I replied "Hey buddy, how about we leave my personal life out of this and you just fix the damned boat!"
:gayfight:

nyuk-nyuk!

[Ladyjeeper]

Oh BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yuck, Icky!!!!:eek3::eek3: Now I have to go wash my eyes and brain! (dontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit):shock:Snicker!! !!:mrgreen:

[Stuart]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my vodka.

They’re such asses ... :coldone:

[Ladyjeeper]

Now that's funny right there!:lol::lol:

[azbeachboy]

NoBell Prize - Vote Carefully
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, Hussein, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Hussein's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, Hussein had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Hussein, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Hussein the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Hussein was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the

most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at

sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't

paying attention.

Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible.

http://www.azbasszone.com/forums/images/statusicon/user_offline.gif http://www.azbasszone.com/forums/images/buttons/report.gif (http://www.azbasszone.com/forums/report.php?p=626539)

[azbeachboy]

One mad cat
http://www.azbasszone.com/forums/images/smilies/Iconrotflmao.gifhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih6W19KTlZo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih6W19KTlZo)

[azbeachboy]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24
hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing even when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,
would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and
give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[InkaRoads]

we were all sitting at the Sandbar having a blast, when Kenny saw playa coming down the street and closed the gate to the bar, PLaya heard us screaming 13, 13, 13, and he wonder "what the heck is going on?" but since the gate was closed he could not coming in so he found an opening in between the plancks of wood and had a peak, Kenny pocked him in the eye and as he was cousing up a storm we started to scream 14, 14, 14,......

[Kenny]

Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect, not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of *****-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a ***** binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.

[playaperro]

Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect, not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of *****-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a ***** binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.
http://www.bumwine.com/cisco.html

[Kenny]

:grin: That was quick. You can sure tell who the home shopper is around here, and what they buy.:pinkie:

[playaperro]

Kenny you drank more than most.. you smoked more than most..what is left.. Can you drink or smoke...Hey you coming to the bike run???:cheers:

[Kenny]

You have no idea what I did "most", or what I do now.

Nope, won't be there.

[azbeachboy]

Subject: Groaners!


a. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

b. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

c. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

d. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

e. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

f. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

g. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

h. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

i. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

j. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

l. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

m. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

n. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

o. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

q. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll be repossessed.

r. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

s. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

t. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

u. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

v. Every calendar's days are numbered..

w. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

x. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

y. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large..

z. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

[rockyptjoe]

Stuart....Chuck needs to go in time out again......those are baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd!!!

[Mentiras y Traición]

Stuart....Chuck needs to go in time out again......those are baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd!!!

But, admit it, you laughed!:bunny:

[Stuart]

Those are as bad as the old Confucious sayings:

Man who eat jellybeans fart in Technicolor.

Virginity like balloon; one prick, all gone!

Woman who eat chocolate instead of work get behind.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

etc., etc., etc.

[rockyptjoe]

But, admit it, you laughed!:bunny:
Yep...I can not tell a lie!!!

[rockyptjoe]

OMG....I didn't think it could get worse....until Stuart posted his!!!

[Jim]

:roll: Boo... I was thinking that I could do better but I don't want to risk it.

[Roberto]

Shamus says to Tommy: Why do Scuba divers always fall off the boat backwards?Tommy sez: Why you thick idiot, if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat!

[Terry C]

A Mexican man walks into a bar. Suddenly one of the white patrons walks up to the Mexican and says... "Hey you! Colored men aren't allowed, much less welcome here!" Then, the Mexican guy turns around and says to the white guy...

"Hey pendejo... When I was born, I was brown!"

"When I grew up, I was brown!"

"When I am sick, I'm brown!"

"When I'm in the sun, I'm brown!"

"When I'm in the cold, I'm brown!"

"And when I die, I'll still be brown!"

"But on the other hand you, pendejo, when you were born, you were pink!"

"When you grew up, you were white!"

"When you're sick, you turn yellow or even green!"

"When you're in the sun, you turn red!"

"When you're in the cold, you turn blue!"

"And when you die, you'll turn purple!"

"And you have the nerve and the balls to call me a "colored man!?"

[azbeachboy]

One: Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Two: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Three: Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Four: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Five: Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Six: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Seven: This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards

Eight: Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Nine: After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Ten: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

[Roberto]

Who is your real friend


This really works...!


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

[Seadweller]

It was just on the news, all the toilet seats at the Rocky Point police station were mysteriously stolen last night... the police have nothing to go on!

[Ladyjeeper]

Oh argh, Mark!

[Jim]

Mark, Don't quit your day job. OH, that's right, you don't have a day job.

[Mentiras y Traición]

That joke tanked.

[Seadweller]

you guys are funnier than that joke... =]

[rockyptjoe]

That joke tanked.

Oh come on guys...I thought the joke was cute....probably true as far as the Penasco cops!!!:stir:

[Seadweller]

Oh come on guys...I thought the joke was cute....probably true as far as the Penasco cops!!!:stir:

it's one of those universal jokes just fill in your town...

[Seadweller]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD . The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong???


"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."


The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands to know,


"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"



The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says..



(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)




(Last chance)




(OK, here it is)




It says,




"Hair Spray"


"Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."



HappyEaster!!!

[Roberto]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. A fter they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'

[azbeachboy]

http://f587.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1039643%5fAH1kxEIAAJhYS98NPwCE1Cx dlho&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Ladyjeeper]

http://f587.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1039643%5fAH1kxEIAAJhYS98NPwCE1Cx dlho&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
All I see is that little box with a red x in it.

[Seadweller]

I see it too... I was going to tell Chuck that's not too funny... :? maybe a green X would be funnier...


All I see is that little box with a red x in it.

[azbeachboy]

It was removed...

[playaperro]

Was it another pic of Kenny?

[azbeachboy]

Drinking with an Arizona Girl…
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Arizona…

[kasdanh]

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts at the same time.

Who's the most popular girl?
The one that can eat the last donut!

[Ladyjeeper]

Oh Ha Ha! You're naughty! Funny but naughty! You'll fit right in here!

[kasdanh]

Ha! Glad to hear it.

[kasdanh]

OK one more...

There is a construction worker up on the 5th floor of a building being built. He is working away and suddenly needs a hammer for his work. He hollers down to the guy on the ground and screams I need a hammer. The guy on the ground can't hear him so the guy that needs the hammer signals to him by pointing at his eye, his knee, and then makes a hammering motion. The guy on the ground acknowledges the mans need and responds by pointing at his eye, then pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The guy up on the 5th floor is confused and disgusted, he runs down there to see what in the world the guy is doing. He get's down there and starts yelling at him asking what he is doing. The guy on the ground reply's, "I was trying to signal that I'm coming". ha...

[InkaRoads]

Kasdanh, you are sick and sad but funny!! :eek3:

[Ladyjeeper]

Snicker!

[azbeachboy]

http://us.mc587.mail.yahoo.com/mc/welcome?.gx=1&.tm=1274064256&.rand=eebkucu0so6n6#_pg=showMessage&sMid=0&&filterBy=&.rand=617987418&midIndex=0&mid=1_1023569_AH9kxEIAACS2S%2FCkiwm9ODArhZY&f=1&fromId=drlovedo@hotmail.com&m=1_1023569_AH9kxEIAACS2S%2FCkiwm9ODArhZY,1_102293 0_ALhkxEIAAIGcS%2FCbrgcjUiU337U,1_1022248_AH9kxEIA AE5nS%2FBdYgCaQgSm1ss,1_1021591_ALdkxEIAATk5S%2FBc 5gKN80Blg3k,1_1021026_AH9kxEIAAXdMS%2FBU7ABOUwgkRb U,1_1020378_AH1kxEIAAUESS%2B%2FTmgYXVBXoPmM,&sort=date&order=down&startMid=0&hash=e91c6864438c81cd4ae3c03fb9c5c884&.jsrand=6792157

[Ladyjeeper]

Huh? This is just a link to Yahoo mail.........??????

[azbeachboy]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond
in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children:Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[playaperro]

AAAHHHH!!! k hombres siempre la vanidad los hace desvariar...jajajajajajajaja :P

Un tipo está en la fila de la caja de un OXXO, cuando una rubia
escultural lo saluda agitando la mano,
y le lanza una de aquellas sonrisas estremecedoras...

El tipo mira hacia los lados, hasta que se convence que es con él...
Decidido, deja la fila y se acerca a la bella mujer, y suavemente le dice:
Disculpe hermosa mujer... ¿será que nos conocemos?

Ella le responde con una sonrisa encantadora:
Pues... tal vez yo esté equivocada, pero
Me parece que usted es el padre de uno de mis niños!!!

El tipo se queda boquiabierto, mientras su memoria trabaja a una <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP>
velocidad en infinitum, intentando recordar los detalles de la UNICA vez
que le fue infiel a su esposa.

Extrañado le dice:
Ohh...!!! no me diga que usted es aquella stripper que en la
despedida de soltero de mi amigo, que me eché encima de la mesa de
billar, en medio de aquella tremenda orgía, completamente borracho,
mientras una de sus amigas me flagelaba jalándome los huevos y
pasándome un pepino por las nalgas...!?!



Bueno... no exactamente caballero!!!Responde ella, visiblemente avergonzada:


Yo soy la nueva maestra de kinder de su hijo


ASÍ O M AS PENDEJO!!!!!!!

[playaperro]

Estaba un viejito sentado en el banco de una plaza, cuando un muchacho se sienta a su lado con todos los pelos parados y teñidos de azul, colorado, verde y amarillo.
El viejo se queda mirándolo un rato, atónito...incrédulo...
Cuando de repente el chico le dice:
'Qué te pasa, VIEJO MARICON, qué me miras con esa cara? Queeeé? Nunca hiciste nada chido en tu vida?'
A lo que el viejito, sin exaltarse, le contesta:
'Si, una vez me drogué hasta la madre y me cogi a una guacamaya... Y Justamente me preguntaba...

No será mi hijo este pendejo?

[joester]

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?


They all have phones.

[Mentiras y Traición]

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?


They all have phones.:popcorn: Next...:-D

[Ladyjeeper]

Argh!

[azbeachboy]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'


The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

[rockyptjoe]

Probably been seen before....BU"T.....


Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat

[Seadweller]

Probably been seen before....BU"T.....


Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat

Hey Joe... isn't that profiling???

[Ladyjeeper]

Snicker!

[rockyptjoe]

Hey Joe... isn't that profiling???
Profiling is OK as long it isn't towards a "minority":stir:.....ha ha ha....and Taliban isn't a race anyway!!!:rofl:

[Terry C]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[Ladyjeeper]

Argh, Terry!

[azbeachboy]

OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!




Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.


Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'


Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this <WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP><WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP>.'




Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States


OH shut up ... just pass it on!.....

[azbeachboy]

The best ENGINE ever ! ! !

http://f1205.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1519517%5fAPZVimIAAC7rTB2H9wXUoXj 1gX4&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[playaperro]

LA TERNURA DE UN HOMBRE


.¿Hola, mi reina? ¿Cómo estás, mi amor? ¿Bien?
+Sí ¡muy bien!...
¿Los niños están bien?
+No te preocupes amor, están de lo mejor...
Perfecto. ¿Almorzaron?
+Si, almorzaron muy bien.
¿Sí? !Qué bueno! Dime, preciosa ¿qué cocinaste para la cena?
+Lomo a la pimienta...
¡Mi plato preferido!... ¡Te adoro divina! Siempre complaciéndome...
Y dime... ¿todo tranquilo en casa?
+Todo bien, te espero con la comidita caliente y luego el postre que Tanto te gusta (en tono malicioso)...
No me digas esas cosas, nena, que me dan ganas de volar hacia
Allá ahora mismo... ¿Me prometes que esta noche te pones ese baby doll Transparente que tanto me gusta?
+Como mandes, dulzura, sabes que soy tu esclava...
¿Sí? Gracias cosita, por eso te quiero tanto... Bueno amorcito,
Ahora pásame a mi señora un momento, ¿sí?
+Patronaaa!!!! Le llama el Ingenierooooo...

[playaperro]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'?
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'?

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.?
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'?





The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

[InkaRoads]

Last Sunday I took gramma to church and after a while she leaned over and whisper in my ear: "my butt's falling asleep" kind of hesitant I whisper to her: "I know, I've heard it snore 3 times"

[HAPPY]

~~~ What did Davy Crocket say when he saw all the mexicans running towards the alamo ?

~~~ Who ordered the concrete ?


~~~ Jack Stien

[Mentiras y Traición]

Mi amigos are muy enferma. Or is it enfermo? Or am I even close?

[playaperro]

UN SIX Y UN TEQUILA...

Una pareja de recién casados trataba de poner las cosas en claro.


Ella decía, mira Baldomero, para no andar con insinuaciones te voy a ser muy clara:
1.- Cuando traiga el cabello peinado con raya para un lado, quiere decir que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila.
2.- Cuando lo traiga peinado con raya por en medio, lo quiero hacer de manera más cachondona.
3.- Cuando traiga trenza lo quiero hacer de manera salvaje;
4.- Y cuando lo traiga recogido con un chongo significa que no quiero saber naaada de naaada.

El le contesta, mira Guadalupe, yo todavía voy a ser más claro que tú:
1.- Cuando me veas con una Tecate en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila.
2.- Cuando me veas con dos Tecates en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera más cachondona.
3.- Cuando me veas con un 'six pack,' significa que quiero hacerlo de manera salvaje;
4.- Y cuando me veas con el 'six pack' de Tecate en una mano y una botella de tequila en la otra, quiere decir:.....
¡¡¡¡Que me vale madres como andes peinada!!!!¿OK?

[rockyptjoe]

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

[Ladyjeeper]

Don't quit your day job, Joe........... LOL!

[playaperro]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a
sign that read,”Free Sex with Fill-Up."




Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he
would get his freesex.


The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number
was 7. Sorry. Nosex this time."


A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up.


Again he asked for his free sex.


The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.


The redneck guessed 2 this time.


The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.


You were close, but no free sex this time."


As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game
is rigged and hedoesn't really give away free sex."


Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife wontwice last week."

~1/Temp/ATT00178.jpg[/IMG]

[playaperro]

Truths in Life





1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physicalimpossibility due to the tendons within your neck.

























2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.




















3. And discover #1 is a lie.
















4. You are laughing now because you are an idiot.


























6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

[rockyptjoe]

Don't quit your day job, Joe........... LOL!

Chari...I bet you wrote that with a smile on your face!!!