Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect, not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of *****-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a ***** binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.
Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect, not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of *****-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a ***** binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.
Shamus says to Tommy: Why do Scuba divers always fall off the boat backwards?Tommy sez: Why you thick idiot, if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat!
A Mexican man walks into a bar. Suddenly one of the white patrons walks up to the Mexican and says... "Hey you! Colored men aren't allowed, much less welcome here!" Then, the Mexican guy turns around and says to the white guy...
"Hey pendejo... When I was born, I was brown!"
"When I grew up, I was brown!"
"When I am sick, I'm brown!"
"When I'm in the sun, I'm brown!"
"When I'm in the cold, I'm brown!"
"And when I die, I'll still be brown!"
"But on the other hand you, pendejo, when you were born, you were pink!"
"When you grew up, you were white!"
"When you're sick, you turn yellow or even green!"
"When you're in the sun, you turn red!"
"When you're in the cold, you turn blue!"
"And when you die, you'll turn purple!"
"And you have the nerve and the balls to call me a "colored man!?"
It was just on the news, all the toilet seats at the Rocky Point police station were mysteriously stolen last night... the police have nothing to go on!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong???
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands to know,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray"
"Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. A fter they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
Drinking with an Arizona Girl… A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
There is a construction worker up on the 5th floor of a building being built. He is working away and suddenly needs a hammer for his work. He hollers down to the guy on the ground and screams I need a hammer. The guy on the ground can't hear him so the guy that needs the hammer signals to him by pointing at his eye, his knee, and then makes a hammering motion. The guy on the ground acknowledges the mans need and responds by pointing at his eye, then pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The guy up on the 5th floor is confused and disgusted, he runs down there to see what in the world the guy is doing. He get's down there and starts yelling at him asking what he is doing. The guy on the ground reply's, "I was trying to signal that I'm coming". ha...
WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond
in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children:Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
AAAHHHH!!! k hombres siempre la vanidad los hace desvariar...jajajajajajajaja :P
Un tipo está en la fila de la caja de un OXXO, cuando una rubia
escultural lo saluda agitando la mano,
y le lanza una de aquellas sonrisas estremecedoras...
El tipo mira hacia los lados, hasta que se convence que es con él...
Decidido, deja la fila y se acerca a la bella mujer, y suavemente le dice:
Disculpe hermosa mujer... ¿será que nos conocemos?
Ella le responde con una sonrisa encantadora:
Pues... tal vez yo esté equivocada, pero Me parece que usted es el padre de uno de mis niños!!!
El tipo se queda boquiabierto, mientras su memoria trabaja a una pinche
velocidad en infinitum, intentando recordar los detalles de la UNICA vez
que le fue infiel a su esposa.
Extrañado le dice:
Ohh...!!! no me diga que usted es aquella stripper que en la
despedida de soltero de mi amigo, que me eché encima de la mesa de
billar, en medio de aquella tremenda orgía, completamente borracho,
mientras una de sus amigas me flagelaba jalándome los huevos y
pasándome un pepino por las nalgas...!?!
Bueno... no exactamente caballero!!!Responde ella, visiblemente avergonzada:
Yo soy la nueva maestra de kinder de su hijo
Estaba un viejito sentado en el banco de una plaza, cuando un muchacho se sienta a su lado con todos los pelos parados y teñidos de azul, colorado, verde y amarillo. El viejo se queda mirándolo un rato, atónito...incrédulo... Cuando de repente el chico le dice: 'Qué te pasa, VIEJO MARICON, qué me miras con esa cara? Queeeé? Nunca hiciste nada chido en tu vida?' A lo que el viejito, sin exaltarse, le contesta: 'Si, una vez me drogué hasta la madre y me cogi a una guacamaya... Y Justamente me preguntaba... No será mi hijo este pendejo?
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
.¿Hola, mi reina? ¿Cómo estás, mi amor? ¿Bien?
+Sí ¡muy bien!...
¿Los niños están bien?
+No te preocupes amor, están de lo mejor...
Perfecto. ¿Almorzaron?
+Si, almorzaron muy bien.
¿Sí? !Qué bueno! Dime, preciosa ¿qué cocinaste para la cena?
+Lomo a la pimienta...
¡Mi plato preferido!... ¡Te adoro divina! Siempre complaciéndome...
Y dime... ¿todo tranquilo en casa?
+Todo bien, te espero con la comidita caliente y luego el postre que Tanto te gusta (en tono malicioso)...
No me digas esas cosas, nena, que me dan ganas de volar hacia
Allá ahora mismo... ¿Me prometes que esta noche te pones ese baby doll Transparente que tanto me gusta?
+Como mandes, dulzura, sabes que soy tu esclava...
¿Sí? Gracias cosita, por eso te quiero tanto... Bueno amorcito, Ahora pásame a mi señora un momento, ¿sí?
+Patronaaa!!!! Le llama el Ingenierooooo...
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'?
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'?
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.?
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'?
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
Last Sunday I took gramma to church and after a while she leaned over and whisper in my ear: "my butt's falling asleep" kind of hesitant I whisper to her: "I know, I've heard it snore 3 times"
UN SIX Y UN TEQUILA...
Una pareja de recién casados trataba de poner las cosas en claro.
Ella decía, mira Baldomero, para no andar con insinuaciones te voy a ser muy clara: 1.- Cuando traiga el cabello peinado con raya para un lado, quiere decir que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila. 2.- Cuando lo traiga peinado con raya por en medio, lo quiero hacer de manera más cachondona. 3.- Cuando traiga trenza lo quiero hacer de manera salvaje; 4.- Y cuando lo traiga recogido con un chongo significa que no quiero saber naaada de naaada.
El le contesta, mira Guadalupe, yo todavía voy a ser más claro que tú: 1.- Cuando me veas con una Tecate en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila. 2.- Cuando me veas con dos Tecates en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera más cachondona. 3.- Cuando me veas con un 'six pack,' significa que quiero hacerlo de manera salvaje; 4.- Y cuando me veas con el 'six pack' de Tecate en una mano y una botella de tequila en la otra, quiere decir:..... ¡¡¡¡Que me vale madres como andes peinada!!!!¿OK?
Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'