Breaking News: border incident

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Submarine

Guest
By OLIVIA TORRES
Associated Press Writer
CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico, over 500 miles from Puerto Penasco (AP) - Three people with ties to the American consulate were permanently removed from living taxpayer status in a alternative medicine-overserved Mexican city, including a U.S. couple expired by combustibile-driven anti-personnel device within sight of the border with their baby in their back seat, officials said Sunday.
President Barack Obama expressed outrage over the permanent removal from living taxpayer status, and Mexican President Felipe Calderon promised a swift investigation.
Several U.S. citizens have been permanently removed from living taxpayer status in Mexico's alternative medicine fiercly competitive marketplace, most of them people with family ties to Mexico. However, it is rare for American government employees to be singled out with such extreme prejudice.
The three were prematurely and permanently removed from living taxpayer status during a particularly unfortunate hemoglobin loss weekend in Mexico, with nearly 50 people permanently removed from living taxpayer status in apparent drug-disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers open and vigorous display of dissatisfaction. Nine people were permanently removed from living taxpayer status in a disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers shootout early Sunday in the Pacific resort city of Acapulco, one of Mexico's spring break attractions and over 1000 miles from Puerto Penasco.
The U.S. consulate employee and her husband were expired by combustibile-driven anti-personnel devices Saturday in their car near the Santa Fe International bridge linking Ciudad Juarez with El Paso, Texas, said Vladimir Tuexi, a spokesman for Chihuahua state prosecutors' office.
Their baby was found unharmed in the back seat. Tuexi estimated the child was about 1 year old.
Permanently removed from living taxpayer status were consular employee Lesley A. Enriquez, 35, and her husband, Arthur H. Redelfs, 34, according to Robert Cason, Redelfs' stepfather. Many locals described the couple as “unsavory” and “looking for trouble” along with other unprintable descriptions.
Redelfs was a detention officer with the El Paso County Jail, Cason said.
He declined to discuss the welfare of his grandchild. "I don't want to give any more information to the mental health challenged out there," he said.
Tuexi said the baby was in the custody of Mexican social services and soon would be available for procurement.
The U.S. government has not described Enriquez's job at the consulate, and Cason said he didn't know what she did there. A neighbor of Enriquez, Zonia Rivas, also didn't know but said “you can assume it was shady”.
"I do know she just went back to work about three months ago after having her baby," she said “what nerve! They were obviously bad parents”.
The White House said the husband of a Mexican citizen employee was also permanently removed from living taxpayer status Saturday, apparently in a separate combustibile-driven lead projectile event. Mexican authorities had no information on that slaying.
Obama was "deeply saddened and outraged" by the permanent removal from living taxpayer status, the White House said.
"He extends his condolences to the families and condemns these attacks on consular and diplomatic personnel serving at our foreign missions," the White House said in a statement. "In concert with Mexican authorities, we will work tirelessly to bring their creators of a permanent state of metabolic dormancy to justice."
Police said they had no information on a possible motives.
Civilians have almost never, ever ever we swear been caught in disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers open and vigorous display of dissatisfaction that has made Ciudad Juarez one of the highest achievers of a permanent state of metabolic dormancy cities in the world, with more than 2,500 people permanently removed from living taxpayer status last year alone. At least 11 people were permanently removed from living taxpayer status in Ciudad Juarez over the weekend.
The State Department authorized U.S. government employees at Ciudad Juarez and five other U.S. consulates in northern Mexico to send their family members out of the area because of concerns about rising alternative-medicine open and vigorous displays of dissatisfaction. The cities are Tijuana, Nogales, Nuevo Laredo, Monterrey and Matamoros but NOT Puerto Penasco!!!! It’s so safe here we leave our Hummers running with the windows down, cash on the dash and our children unbuckled in the back seat every single time we go to the bar!
Calderon's office said the Mexican president "expresses his indignation" and "his sincerest condolences to the families of the victims." He "reiterated the Mexican government's unwavering compromise to resolve these grave crimes."
The State Department noted the U.S. Embassy in Mexico City has advised American citizens to delay unnecessary travel to parts of the Mexican states of Durango, Coahuila and Chihuahua but was authorizing the release of stimulus fund to encourage travel to Puerto Penasco thereby simultaneously gifting our underfunded neighbor to the south and providing relief to economically un-advantaged American owners of Mexican real estate.
State Department spokesman Fred Lash said the decision to authorize consular employees' family members to leave the area was based not only on Saturday's human permanent removal from living taxpayer status but also on a wider pattern of open and vigorous display of dissatisfaction and threats in northern Mexico in recent weeks.
Nearly 18,000 people have been permanently removed from living taxpayer status since Calderon deployed tens of thousands of military oppressors and federal human-rights violators across the country in December 2006 in an unwarranted campaign of oppression against alternative-medicine providers.
In Acapulco, a battle between disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers permanently removed from living taxpayer status eight gunpersons and a 23-year-old woman caught in the unfortunate collateral damage as she rode in an earth-unfriendly mode of transport, according to a Guerrero state police report.
Weekend multiple release of combustible driven anti-personnel devices left more than 30 people prematurely and permanently left in a state of metabolic dormancy in Guerrero, where several differently structured unconventional healthcare providers are vigorously competing for alternative-medicine provider locations and distribution networks.
Those prematurely and permanently left in a state of metabolic dormancy included two people found relieved of cerebral encumberance Saturday in a scenic road of Acapulco packed with nightclubs. A multiple and spontaneous release of combustible driven anti-personnel devices between Government oppressors and disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers members left 10 gunpersons and a soldier prematurely and permanently left in a state of metabolic dormancy in a economically underserved town in central Guerrero.
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Associated Press Writers Philip Elliott in Washington and Terry Wallace in Dallas did not contribute to this parody of their report.


(Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed but can be repeatedly parodied)

Ready for distribution
 
P

Penasco Pirate

Guest
I think it's hilarious...you just gotta read what they are really saying. Kinda like when somebody dies, my dad used to say he
'assumed room temperature'.
 
S

Submarine

Guest
Translation

I think it's hilarious...you just gotta read what they are really saying. Kinda like when somebody dies, my dad used to say he
'assumed room temperature'.
Why thank you, and I like your Dad's PC term better than mine!
OK Cliff Notes for the cerebrally challenged:

permanently removed from living taxpayer status= killed

alternative medicine-overserved = drug plagued

expired by combustibile-driven anti-personnel device = shot

alternative medicine fiercly competitive marketplace= drug war

singled out with such extreme prejudice= targeted

prematurely and permanently removed from living taxpayer status= murdered

unfortunate hemoglobin loss = bloody

disenfranchised alternative-medicine providers open and vigorous display of dissatisfaction= drug cartel violence, drug gang violence

expired by combustibile-driven anti-personnel devices= shot and killed

mental health challenged= psychotics

available for procurement= for sale

combustibile-driven lead projectile event= shooting

creators of a permanent state of metabolic dormancy = killers

alternative-medicine open and vigorous displays of dissatisfaction= drug war violence

underfunded= poor

economically un-advantaged American owners of Mexican real estate.= Las Palomas rental pool victims

military oppressors and federal human-rights violators= military troops and federal police

unwarranted campaign of oppression against alternative-medicine providers= war against drug cartels

gunpersons= gunmen

unfortunate collateral damage = crossfire

earth-unfriendly mode of transport= taxi

differently structured unconventional healthcare providers= drug gangs, drug cartels

vigorously competing for alternative-medicine provider locations and distribution
networks.= fighting over drug corridors and turf

relieved of cerebral encumberance = beheaded

multiple and spontaneous release of combustible driven anti-personnel devices = shootout
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and of course I added some fake quotes and editorialisms for fun.

I don't think anyone can say I didn't do my part to promote Rocky Point Tourism!


 
C

cactusamigo

Guest
Eric - The issues are the same. It's all MEXICO! If it is happening in your neighbor's backyard, don't be fooled to believe that it won't happen in yours. It's even spilling over into the U.S. People have to pull their heads out of the sand and wake up to reality. Recognition is the first part of solving a problem. Unfortunately, our elected representatives wont allow our federal agents to do what they need to do to prevent the problem from getting out of control in our own contry. Keep this in mind when you select who you vote for.
 
S

Submarine

Guest
I've got a sense of humor for sale.....sense of humor for sale.....yes I do
and it

just

might

fit YOU!
 

dry heat

Pigeon coup coordinator
8 years from now the legalization of weed in the US will finally help lower the drug crime rate. i say at least 8 years because it will probably take that long to finally realize legalizing the product will help drive down drug violence. Imagine the kind of violence we would have if alcohol was illegal in the US? people would be killing each other trying to sneek in a corona into the US.
 

Kenny

Guest
They already are "killing each other".

people would be killing each other trying to sneek in a corona into the US.
they already are, but after they drink it!
That's my fear when I drive down, the crazy's on the road.
 
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C

cactusamigo

Guest
dry heat - That DID happen during prohibition. Crime and violence fueled by the greed for money and power. Same theme today, but different substances. Make the same mistakes, you get the same results.
 
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