A Joke...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman..
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f**king widow."
 
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled

over to him.


"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up

later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."


"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted
.

She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way,

where is she?"

"Under the cart!"



 

AZ ROB

Guest
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?











The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on obama care...

In November if he and his czars get another term we'll ALL have to find a good vet.
 

mondone

Whitecaps
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
 

GV Jack

Snorin God
A man comes home after a round of golf.
He looks on the fridge and there is a note.
"It's not working, I'm going to mothers."
He opens the door, light comes on and he pulls out a cold beer and thinks,
"I have no idea what she's talking about."
 

moore_rb

Stay Thirsty My Friends
A golfer walks in the house after a long day on the course

"How was golf, dear?" his wife asks.

"Exhausting" says the man

"Exhausting? Since when is Golf exhausting?" His wife asks.


"Well" the man replies, "Poor Fred had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee; so for the rest of the round it was: Hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..."
 

moore_rb

Stay Thirsty My Friends
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."










So, he tied her up, and went fishing.




 

Stuart

Aye carumba!!!
Staff member
A guy approached St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "Before I can let you in I must ask if you have done anything really worthy in your life?"

"Well, yes I have", he replied. "I was driving through South Dakota and I saw a bunch of bikers being really ugly to this woman. I stopped and yelled for them to quit it. They didn't so I got out of the car, walked up to the biggest, meanest, most tattoed one of the bunch, grabbed him by the earring and said, 'Leave her alone or I'll have to kick everyone of your azzes' "

"Really?" said St Peter. "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a few minutes ago".
 

moore_rb

Stay Thirsty My Friends
The Olympics Edition

Some things are best left unsaid:



  • Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
  • Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
  • Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
  • Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
  • Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
  • At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
  • Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
  • Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And finally, Obama calls Phelps:

"Congratulations Michael, but remember you didn't win all those medals, someone else did. After all, you swam in public pools, built by state employees using tax dollars. You got training from the USOC, and ate food grown by the Department of Agriculture. You should play fair and share your medals with the people who can barely keep their head above water, let alone swim."
 

AZ ROB

Guest
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.




"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

az-dan

Guest
True story .....

I was setting at the bar in the BooBar having a few drinks with Rob a friend of mine and noticed two old guys sitting across the bar from us. So I nudged Rob and said, "thats us in 10 years". Rob looked at me and said "thats a mirror dip ****".

 

jerry

Guest
Lucky for you and the rest of the rightwing Rockypoint alcoholics Obamacare has your back when you need that liver transplant


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.




"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

az-dan

Guest
A History Lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that they will immediately forward it to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
 

jerry

Guest
After Obama wins again I will be rubbing it in...4 years of liberal talking points coming your way boys...drink up
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree... and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
---Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
---Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
---Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
---Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
---David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
---Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
---Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
---David Letterman





I'm sure the libturds will try to verify these on Snopes!!!
 

mondone

Whitecaps
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
 

GV Jack

Snorin God
This made my morning....
Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ‘’What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott’s pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott’s pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ‘’Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!’’ The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ‘’What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott’s house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ’’Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.

Doesn't say much for my morning, does it????
 
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