Joke Thread...

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El Pirata
AAAHHHH!!! k hombres siempre la vanidad los hace desvariar...jajajajajajajaja :p

Un tipo está en la fila de la caja de un OXXO, cuando una rubia
escultural lo saluda agitando la mano,
y le lanza una de aquellas sonrisas estremecedoras...

El tipo mira hacia los lados, hasta que se convence que es con él...
Decidido, deja la fila y se acerca a la bella mujer, y suavemente le dice:
Disculpe hermosa mujer... ¿será que nos conocemos?

Ella le responde con una sonrisa encantadora:
Pues... tal vez yo esté equivocada, pero
Me parece que usted es el padre de uno de mis niños!!!

El tipo se queda boquiabierto, mientras su memoria trabaja a una pinche
velocidad en infinitum, intentando recordar los detalles de la UNICA vez
que le fue infiel a su esposa.

Extrañado le dice:
Ohh...!!! no me diga que usted es aquella stripper que en la
despedida de soltero de mi amigo, que me eché encima de la mesa de
billar, en medio de aquella tremenda orgía, completamente borracho,
mientras una de sus amigas me flagelaba jalándome los huevos y
pasándome un pepino por las nalgas...!?!



Bueno... no exactamente caballero!!!Responde ella, visiblemente avergonzada:


Yo soy la nueva maestra de kinder de su hijo


ASÍ O M AS PENDEJO!!!!!!!

 
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El Pirata
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]Estaba un viejito sentado en el banco de una plaza, cuando un muchacho se sienta a su lado con todos los pelos parados y teñidos de azul, colorado, verde y amarillo.[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] El viejo se queda mirándolo un rato, atónito...incrédulo...[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] Cuando de repente el chico le dice:[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] 'Qué te pasa, VIEJO MARICON, qué me miras con esa cara? Queeeé? Nunca hiciste nada chido en tu vida?'[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] A lo que el viejito, sin exaltarse, le contesta:[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]'Si, una vez me drogué hasta la madre y me cogi a una guacamaya... Y Justamente me preguntaba...[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif] No será mi hijo este pendejo?[/FONT]​
 
A

azbeachboy

Guest
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
 
rockyptjoe

rockyptjoe

Guest
Probably been seen before....BU"T.....


Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat
 
Seadweller

Seadweller

chum
rockyptjoe said:
Probably been seen before....BU"T.....


Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat
Click to expand...
Hey Joe... isn't that profiling???
 
T

Terry C

Guest
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."
 
A

azbeachboy

Guest
OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!




Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.


Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'


Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'




Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States


OH shut up ... just pass it on!.....





 
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El Pirata
LA TERNURA DE UN HOMBRE


.¿Hola, mi reina? ¿Cómo estás, mi amor? ¿Bien?
+Sí ¡muy bien!...
¿Los niños están bien?
+No te preocupes amor, están de lo mejor...
Perfecto. ¿Almorzaron?
+Si, almorzaron muy bien.
¿Sí? !Qué bueno! Dime, preciosa ¿qué cocinaste para la cena?
+Lomo a la pimienta...
¡Mi plato preferido!... ¡Te adoro divina! Siempre complaciéndome...
Y dime... ¿todo tranquilo en casa?
+Todo bien, te espero con la comidita caliente y luego el postre que Tanto te gusta (en tono malicioso)...
No me digas esas cosas, nena, que me dan ganas de volar hacia
Allá ahora mismo... ¿Me prometes que esta noche te pones ese baby doll Transparente que tanto me gusta?
+Como mandes, dulzura, sabes que soy tu esclava...
¿Sí? Gracias cosita, por eso te quiero tanto... Bueno amorcito,
Ahora pásame a mi señora un momento, ¿sí?
+Patronaaa!!!! Le llama el Ingenierooooo...
 
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El Pirata
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'?
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'?

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.?
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'?





The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
 
InkaRoads

InkaRoads

cronopiador
Last Sunday I took gramma to church and after a while she leaned over and whisper in my ear: "my butt's falling asleep" kind of hesitant I whisper to her: "I know, I've heard it snore 3 times"
 
HAPPY

HAPPY

User is currently banned
~~~ What did Davy Crocket say when he saw all the mexicans running towards the alamo ?

~~~ Who ordered the concrete ?


~~~ Jack Stien
 
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El Pirata
UN SIX Y UN TEQUILA...

Una pareja de recién casados trataba de poner las cosas en claro.


Ella decía, mira Baldomero, para no andar con insinuaciones te voy a ser muy clara:
1.- Cuando traiga el cabello peinado con raya para un lado, quiere decir que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila.
2.- Cuando lo traiga peinado con raya por en medio, lo quiero hacer de manera más cachondona.
3.- Cuando traiga trenza lo quiero hacer de manera salvaje;
4.- Y cuando lo traiga recogido con un chongo significa que no quiero saber naaada de naaada.

El le contesta, mira Guadalupe, yo todavía voy a ser más claro que tú:
1.- Cuando me veas con una Tecate en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila.
2.- Cuando me veas con dos Tecates en la mano, significa que quiero hacer el amor de manera más cachondona.
3.- Cuando me veas con un 'six pack,' significa que quiero hacerlo de manera salvaje;
4.- Y cuando me veas con el 'six pack' de Tecate en una mano y una botella de tequila en la otra, quiere decir:.....
¡¡¡¡Que me vale madres como andes peinada!!!!¿OK?
 
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